Saturday, 24 March 2012
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Films are not escapism
Films are not escapism. They are levels of perfection I will never achieve. They are the lies upon which I feed and the foundation that constructs what I believe. Yet i love them so let me read the scene, bath in the discontent rendered at my disease.
Forever will I be the great appreciator, innately admire from a distance what i do not acquire.
Forever will I be the great disregarder, picking fault in the deck i have been dealt.
Forever will I be the great appreciator, innately admire from a distance what i do not acquire.
Forever will I be the great disregarder, picking fault in the deck i have been dealt.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
hello again
I am the conditioned fabric of myself, I haven’t seen her for years, she sunk beneath the layers of expectation and in inspiration felt inadequate
Who do you think you are?
Does the skin encase the idea of truth or is it assumed with the thoughts of the mind?
There hasn’t been any proof for your plight, when you know that you’re nothing but another’s lines.
Escape with me love of mine, if there is something to find, I want to discover it with you, I do not believe the lied truths.
I see the depths of you, we can swim for our lives if we choose. Burst fresh from our banks, breaching with truth and thanks. I do not wish to pursue seed on the wayside, oh love of mine, come help let us find roots, let ours be entwined as two, in fields that grow good fruit, let us go soon.
Who do you think you are?
Does the skin encase the idea of truth or is it assumed with the thoughts of the mind?
There hasn’t been any proof for your plight, when you know that you’re nothing but another’s lines.
Escape with me love of mine, if there is something to find, I want to discover it with you, I do not believe the lied truths.
I see the depths of you, we can swim for our lives if we choose. Burst fresh from our banks, breaching with truth and thanks. I do not wish to pursue seed on the wayside, oh love of mine, come help let us find roots, let ours be entwined as two, in fields that grow good fruit, let us go soon.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Monday, 4 October 2010
Adams cant fix the acid in your head
we love to torture ourselves
if it hurts then we'll push it
i fear i know no self control with my emotions..
heck i know i dont...
i'll so easily let my mind just bath in acid that i know will errode it....
is this therapy or sadistic indulgence? that i dont know...
would the acid smooth off the sharp edges and help me to swallow it down deep?
or would the repeat circuit rake over the scab that just started to heal?
i am more sure i can control my physical being than my heart, because my heart is a bully.
self control, patience, those are things i need..
i've heard that they are fruits...Galatians 5:22
"can i have some please?"
"you'll have to grow in it"
"can't i just have it?"
"no sorry the fruit grows in a vine"
"can you be given it without the shaping trial that adorns it on your chest as the earned medal?"
"see no"
"right ok...
but i want it now!! if this fruit doesnt start to quench my hunger now im going to look else where!
54321 look ive tried but it hasnt worked, my spirit is troubled, where is my hero!!"
Jesus' last words on the cross were "It Is Finished!" John 19:30...the battle was won, no other heros's required. position closed.
if it hurts then we'll push it
i fear i know no self control with my emotions..
heck i know i dont...
i'll so easily let my mind just bath in acid that i know will errode it....
is this therapy or sadistic indulgence? that i dont know...
would the acid smooth off the sharp edges and help me to swallow it down deep?
or would the repeat circuit rake over the scab that just started to heal?
i am more sure i can control my physical being than my heart, because my heart is a bully.
self control, patience, those are things i need..
i've heard that they are fruits...Galatians 5:22
"can i have some please?"
"you'll have to grow in it"
"can't i just have it?"
"no sorry the fruit grows in a vine"
"can you be given it without the shaping trial that adorns it on your chest as the earned medal?"
http://www.spirithome.com/fruitssp.html
The Spirit is there to cause things to happen in peoples' lives that bring them more in tune with God's purposes on earth (and beyond). When the Spirit starts changing someone, it shows as a growth in character, a change in their way of life that is good for the people they live among. This change in character is called a 'fruit of the Spirit', like the fruit grown by a tree can feed people and wildlife.
"see no"
"right ok...
but i want it now!! if this fruit doesnt start to quench my hunger now im going to look else where!
54321 look ive tried but it hasnt worked, my spirit is troubled, where is my hero!!"
sometimes i feel like Eve
what a fool for bringing woe onto herself,
now all she wants to do is please Adam,
what a fool...
"but Adam is so appealing, cant you just see he has all the things that will make a girl happy!! look he is entirely visible, he is flesh"
"dont we always choose the visable over the invisible....but how do you feel right now..isnt that the most important thing to you right now, all those emotions bouncing about your head!! thats all invisible isnt it, and that totally consumes you! whats going to fix that? tell me where do you spend the majority of your time...in the invisible world or and visible world"
"i guess most of the time i spend it in my mind, thinking about the past, or the future, sorry worrying about them"
"right and so that is all invisible, none of that is realised right, so you'll agree with me that your major concern is how you feel about invisible things...what will fix that?
"an Adam?"
"No, Adams cant fix the acid in your head"
"who can?"
"an invisible God who is visible in actions of Love, our bodies are fully visible (physical) and fully invisible (spiritual) that is why in a basic way, the invisible God was seen, in Jesus, and is now seen, in actions of love, given or received"
does my body side against itself and choose the street that seems easier to walk down or shall i put the effort into living in freedom. i know i would far rather freedom than a long 'easy' walk to nowhere.
if this pain is
(a change in my way of life that is good for the people i live among) then i say give me more, add the grit and the suffering, i'll take it and make a string of pearls, i'll wear it in love with the heartbeat of life, which can be caught if you walk out into the quiet of the sunrise, i'll be in love with being alive and since God breathed life from Himself into the nostrils of us humans, then i will be in love with My God. when the gift was Himself, and He is life, i love the gift, so how can i not love the gift giver?
One day maybe i'll get to be Adam's Helper, his counterpart and sister in Christ, but until that day i will not search for a hero in man. He will be no Hero of mine and i want it that way. No man can be a hero when there is nothing to be won that has not already been won.
Jesus' last words on the cross were "It Is Finished!" John 19:30...the battle was won, no other heros's required. position closed.
Friday, 1 October 2010
turning on 23
Its seems the popular school of thought that with each age we celebrate, we gradually start to feel that our best days are behind us and we are becoming less able or useful in terms of doing something important with our precious lives.
sometimes i think like this....it is a horrible lie. i have been guilty of being lured into this world view but i now want to actively unpick why firstly this kind of thinking is wrong and secondly why it steals the relationship we can have with God.
its so important to live like the best days are still to be had, if God's promises are true (and i believe they are) then when he says this
one more thing to add is that sometimes we see the massive achievement in our mind about what we want to do in our lives. however the big plan is realized when we just walk with God. Thats the greatest and most fulfilling use of our time on this earth. sure if we are walking with Jesus then we will want to do good and epic things to bless people, but it is vital to rememeber all we are calld to do is to firstly love our God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind.
Johnny cash released an album in his later years, after a lengthy career all his life (presumably completing his big mission) and after being away from the charts and making big hits, you might think he was past it. however agruably his most moving work came just before his death with his last album,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go
what he sang from at this point in his life was hard earned experience which renders his singing and songs so poignant and moving. had he not had those years, could have sung with such conviction? would it have been so powerfull
ageing is beautiful. people moan about growing a year older. i am excited. the alternative to growing a year older is heartbreaking..literally. so i will embrace my days and thank God for them. i am not past anything out of what God has in store for me.
can i trust Him? Yes, and i will.
sometimes i think like this....it is a horrible lie. i have been guilty of being lured into this world view but i now want to actively unpick why firstly this kind of thinking is wrong and secondly why it steals the relationship we can have with God.
its so important to live like the best days are still to be had, if God's promises are true (and i believe they are) then when he says this
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."then He means this continually. for example if you read it a year ago and read it again today, God still has this great plan for you, a great changing but equally as exciting plan. a plan we are made to carry out perfectly. in relationship with Jesus is how we can find that path. its not like Hes forcing us to take that route, its our choice. we can choose to grow in His vine and produce fruit or to be a twig on the floor going nowhere without Him. what God has in store for us is not just a one off job and your done. He always has a plan for us and we are made new every day to give it a fresh bash.. so we never need to feel like we cant achieve it. the path is Jesus, He said he is the Way, the Truth and the Life. thats how you know how to get there, its holding Jesus's hand there, and that is also how we know we are capable, it's letting Jesus do what we cannot.
one more thing to add is that sometimes we see the massive achievement in our mind about what we want to do in our lives. however the big plan is realized when we just walk with God. Thats the greatest and most fulfilling use of our time on this earth. sure if we are walking with Jesus then we will want to do good and epic things to bless people, but it is vital to rememeber all we are calld to do is to firstly love our God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind.
Johnny cash released an album in his later years, after a lengthy career all his life (presumably completing his big mission) and after being away from the charts and making big hits, you might think he was past it. however agruably his most moving work came just before his death with his last album,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmVAWKfJ4Go
what he sang from at this point in his life was hard earned experience which renders his singing and songs so poignant and moving. had he not had those years, could have sung with such conviction? would it have been so powerfull
ageing is beautiful. people moan about growing a year older. i am excited. the alternative to growing a year older is heartbreaking..literally. so i will embrace my days and thank God for them. i am not past anything out of what God has in store for me.
can i trust Him? Yes, and i will.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
where were you hiding. where have i been.
Stunning music by my friend Simon Boult, his voice literally gives me a chill yet there is a beautiful warmth present in his tone.. wow..and what lyrics, my....enjoy guys...
Blood by Simon Boult
Blood by Simon Boult
all is truth
Song at Sunset
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
Splendor of ended day floating and filling me,
Hour prophetic, hour resuming the past,
Inflating my throat, you divine average,
You earth and life till the last ray gleams I sing.
Open mouth of my soul uttering gladness,
Eyes of my soul seeing perfection,
Natural life of me faithfully praising things,
Corroborating forever the triumph of things.
Illustrious every one!
Illustrious what we name space, sphere of unnumber'd spirits,
Illustrious the mystery of motion in all beings, even the tiniest insect,
Illustrious the attribute of speech, the senses, the body,
Illustrious the passing light--illustrious the pale reflection on
the new moon in the western sky,
Illustrious whatever I see or hear or touch, to the last.
Good in all,
In the satisfaction and aplomb of animals,
In the annual return of the seasons,
In the hilarity of youth,
In the strength and flush of manhood,
In the grandeur and exquisiteness of old age,
In the superb vistas of death.
Wonderful to depart!
Wonderful to be here!
The heart, to jet the all-alike and innocent blood!
To breathe the air, how delicious!
To speak--to walk--to seize something by the hand!
To prepare for sleep, for bed, to look on my rose-color'd flesh!
To be conscious of my body, so satisfied, so large!
To be this incredible God I am!
To have gone forth among other Gods, these men and women I love.
Wonderful how I celebrate you and myself
How my thoughts play subtly at the spectacles around!
How the clouds pass silently overhead!
How the earth darts on and on! and how the sun, moon, stars, dart on and on!
How the water sports and sings! (surely it is alive!)
How the trees rise and stand up, with strong trunks, with branches
and leaves!
(Surely there is something more in each of the trees, some living soul.)
O amazement of things--even the least particle!
O spirituality of things!
O strain musical flowing through ages and continents, now reaching
me and America!
I take your strong chords, intersperse them, and cheerfully pass
them forward.
I too carol the sun, usher'd or at noon, or as now, setting,
I too throb to the brain and beauty of the earth and of all the
growths of the earth,
I too have felt the resistless call of myself.
As I steam'd down the Mississippi,
As I wander'd over the prairies,
As I have lived, as I have look'd through my windows my eyes,
As I went forth in the morning, as I beheld the light breaking in the east,
As I bathed on the beach of the Eastern Sea, and again on the beach
of the Western Sea,
As I roam'd the streets of inland Chicago, whatever streets I have roam'd,
Or cities or silent woods, or even amid the sights of war,
Wherever I have been I have charged myself with contentment and triumph.
I sing to the last the equalities modern or old,
I sing the endless finales of things,
I say Nature continues, glory continues,
I praise with electric voice,
For I do not see one imperfection in the universe,
And I do not see one cause or result lamentable at last in the universe.
O setting sun! though the time has come,
I still warble under you, if none else does, unmitigated adoration.
All Is Truth
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
O me, man of slack faith so long,
Standing aloof, denying portions so long,
Only aware to-day of compact all-diffused truth,
Discovering to-day there is no lie or form of lie, and can be none,
but grows as inevitably upon itself as the truth does upon itself,
Or as any law of the earth or any natural production of the earth does.
(This is curious and may not be realized immediately, but it must be
realized,
I feel in myself that I represent falsehoods equally with the rest,
And that the universe does.)
Where has fail'd a perfect return indifferent of lies or the truth?
Is it upon the ground, or in water or fire? or in the spirit of man?
or in the meat and blood?
Meditating among liars and retreating sternly into myself, I see
that there are really no liars or lies after all,
And that nothing fails its perfect return, and that what are called
lies are perfect returns,
And that each thing exactly represents itself and what has preceded it,
And that the truth includes all, and is compact just as much as
space is compact,
And that there is no flaw or vacuum in the amount of the truth--but
that all is truth without exception;
And henceforth I will go celebrate any thing I see or am,
And sing and laugh and deny nothing.
Among the Multitude
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
Among the men and women the multitude,
I perceive one picking me out by secret and divine signs,
Acknowledging none else, not parent, wife, husband, brother, child,
any nearer than I am,
Some are baffled, but that one is not--that one knows me.
Ah lover and perfect equal,
I meant that you should discover me so by faint indirections,
And I when I meet you mean to discover you by the like in you.
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
Splendor of ended day floating and filling me,
Hour prophetic, hour resuming the past,
Inflating my throat, you divine average,
You earth and life till the last ray gleams I sing.
Open mouth of my soul uttering gladness,
Eyes of my soul seeing perfection,
Natural life of me faithfully praising things,
Corroborating forever the triumph of things.
Illustrious every one!
Illustrious what we name space, sphere of unnumber'd spirits,
Illustrious the mystery of motion in all beings, even the tiniest insect,
Illustrious the attribute of speech, the senses, the body,
Illustrious the passing light--illustrious the pale reflection on
the new moon in the western sky,
Illustrious whatever I see or hear or touch, to the last.
Good in all,
In the satisfaction and aplomb of animals,
In the annual return of the seasons,
In the hilarity of youth,
In the strength and flush of manhood,
In the grandeur and exquisiteness of old age,
In the superb vistas of death.
Wonderful to depart!
Wonderful to be here!
The heart, to jet the all-alike and innocent blood!
To breathe the air, how delicious!
To speak--to walk--to seize something by the hand!
To prepare for sleep, for bed, to look on my rose-color'd flesh!
To be conscious of my body, so satisfied, so large!
To be this incredible God I am!
To have gone forth among other Gods, these men and women I love.
Wonderful how I celebrate you and myself
How my thoughts play subtly at the spectacles around!
How the clouds pass silently overhead!
How the earth darts on and on! and how the sun, moon, stars, dart on and on!
How the water sports and sings! (surely it is alive!)
How the trees rise and stand up, with strong trunks, with branches
and leaves!
(Surely there is something more in each of the trees, some living soul.)
O amazement of things--even the least particle!
O spirituality of things!
O strain musical flowing through ages and continents, now reaching
me and America!
I take your strong chords, intersperse them, and cheerfully pass
them forward.
I too carol the sun, usher'd or at noon, or as now, setting,
I too throb to the brain and beauty of the earth and of all the
growths of the earth,
I too have felt the resistless call of myself.
As I steam'd down the Mississippi,
As I wander'd over the prairies,
As I have lived, as I have look'd through my windows my eyes,
As I went forth in the morning, as I beheld the light breaking in the east,
As I bathed on the beach of the Eastern Sea, and again on the beach
of the Western Sea,
As I roam'd the streets of inland Chicago, whatever streets I have roam'd,
Or cities or silent woods, or even amid the sights of war,
Wherever I have been I have charged myself with contentment and triumph.
I sing to the last the equalities modern or old,
I sing the endless finales of things,
I say Nature continues, glory continues,
I praise with electric voice,
For I do not see one imperfection in the universe,
And I do not see one cause or result lamentable at last in the universe.
O setting sun! though the time has come,
I still warble under you, if none else does, unmitigated adoration.
All Is Truth
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
O me, man of slack faith so long,
Standing aloof, denying portions so long,
Only aware to-day of compact all-diffused truth,
Discovering to-day there is no lie or form of lie, and can be none,
but grows as inevitably upon itself as the truth does upon itself,
Or as any law of the earth or any natural production of the earth does.
(This is curious and may not be realized immediately, but it must be
realized,
I feel in myself that I represent falsehoods equally with the rest,
And that the universe does.)
Where has fail'd a perfect return indifferent of lies or the truth?
Is it upon the ground, or in water or fire? or in the spirit of man?
or in the meat and blood?
Meditating among liars and retreating sternly into myself, I see
that there are really no liars or lies after all,
And that nothing fails its perfect return, and that what are called
lies are perfect returns,
And that each thing exactly represents itself and what has preceded it,
And that the truth includes all, and is compact just as much as
space is compact,
And that there is no flaw or vacuum in the amount of the truth--but
that all is truth without exception;
And henceforth I will go celebrate any thing I see or am,
And sing and laugh and deny nothing.
Among the Multitude
by: Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
Among the men and women the multitude,
I perceive one picking me out by secret and divine signs,
Acknowledging none else, not parent, wife, husband, brother, child,
any nearer than I am,
Some are baffled, but that one is not--that one knows me.
Ah lover and perfect equal,
I meant that you should discover me so by faint indirections,
And I when I meet you mean to discover you by the like in you.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
the weight of starlight
if there is an easy way to figure it out,
why is it hidden in the stars and the moon?
if i didn't sit here working it out,
would wisdom, understanding come to me soon?
sometime when we stare at a star, it doesn't seem bright
looking into he darkness, blaming the light
isn't it our eyes, misreading the night
misunderstanding the weight of starlight.
why is it hidden in the stars and the moon?
if i didn't sit here working it out,
would wisdom, understanding come to me soon?
sometime when we stare at a star, it doesn't seem bright
looking into he darkness, blaming the light
isn't it our eyes, misreading the night
misunderstanding the weight of starlight.
Monday, 20 September 2010
He's making all things new
autumn you're here again but i feared your arrival
i thought the colours i sighed would choke the back of my throat
but they are here despite my denial
i sat cross legged on my bed and listened to the wind batter my pane
the clouds moved passed my window in complete defiance
my mind worked over the mess, the tattered canvas, the stain.
but He's making all things new again
im becoming whole once more
the broken girl searching rest for her head
no longer needs the peace at his chest, instead
she's being made whole again
old times felt the slice down her center, his lips on her eyes, the habit he made, the love that died, the grit in her mind, the salt in her wound, the picture of two, the true end of one, the tears in her eyes, the kiss he wiped dry, the stain that they left, the kick in the stomach, their moments in torrent, the hours they played, the decision they made, the rivers she wades.
but slowly He's making all things new
at last the putting together, the sight thats restored, the lessons in light, the gift of the flight, the peace He provides, the soothing her mind, the cure for the wound, her vision renewed, the Almighty One, the cross where He died, the snow that is new, the eternity He won, the choice i now make, my life until life fades.
i thought the colours i sighed would choke the back of my throat
but they are here despite my denial
i sat cross legged on my bed and listened to the wind batter my pane
the clouds moved passed my window in complete defiance
my mind worked over the mess, the tattered canvas, the stain.
but He's making all things new again
im becoming whole once more
the broken girl searching rest for her head
no longer needs the peace at his chest, instead
she's being made whole again
old times felt the slice down her center, his lips on her eyes, the habit he made, the love that died, the grit in her mind, the salt in her wound, the picture of two, the true end of one, the tears in her eyes, the kiss he wiped dry, the stain that they left, the kick in the stomach, their moments in torrent, the hours they played, the decision they made, the rivers she wades.
but slowly He's making all things new
at last the putting together, the sight thats restored, the lessons in light, the gift of the flight, the peace He provides, the soothing her mind, the cure for the wound, her vision renewed, the Almighty One, the cross where He died, the snow that is new, the eternity He won, the choice i now make, my life until life fades.
Monday, 13 September 2010
at dusk the darkness is too pathetic to render lights useful and the lights are too blinding but of no use...
a seemingly negative title, but relevant for this time in my life.
i was driving home from my sisters house in Salisbury on sunday afternoon and after having an incredible time there and chatting to adrienne on the way home (who, i add, was on a spiritual role, spilling out the most truthful teaching iv heard in ages, upon breaking down lies we let build up- [ask her about it cos she'll tell you better than me]) it dawned on me ---ironically as it was dusk-- that this time in the day was reflecting not just my mood but my stance nowdays in life....
i am not letting God's truth penetrate my action to fully heal me yet neither am i roaming so far into the darkness that i am lost for good.... so this puts me in a kind of irritating place where i cant find my way easily...i see the lights brightly (hear the truth clearly) but i am also very aware that there is this looming darkness, although i see how flawed and pathetic it is at holding me down, it irritated me enough to distraction, stealing my joy from my days and causing me to waste away...
its very important not to waste days....if you were a new born baby, every day would be a triumph as you survive against the odds, if you were dying, every day would be treasured in the the face of last opportunities, thus my point is that the longer we meander and put off our relationship with Jesus, the longer we dwell in dusk. my side point is.. that as annoying as the it is to feel lost, dusk is still beautiful, and this just shows how good God is, that He'd rather we had the gift of life and ignore Him than not have the chance to experience life at all. of course He wants to know us and wants to show us the how fully incredible the sun is when it rises..and so much more, but if we choose to carry on not trusting in His word and not living in his Light, then we'll never know the extent of beauty to which He was literally dying to tell us about...
yeah but how do i put this into practice?... well i believe it starts as a choice in the heart, a choice as to whether i can believe that there is a greater light by which to see the beauty of the world in, than that which is offered to me by the dusk, then i think it moves into a command upon my thoughts. using the spirtial amour mentioned in Ephesians to fight the 'pre-assigned' systems which i have just taken up idly, instead of actually defining a self for my self.
one of my best friends was talking about this the other day in his blog, which i haste to add, is awesome, so go read it and seriously enjoy
http://sibarbs.wordpress.com/
but he was saying
i dont really have anything much to add to that except i want to make a stand aginst being robbed... now im not taking about a criminal robbing your purse, that only happens to a few of us on a bad occasion ... im talking about being robbed of the joy that is ours that is getting stolen as we choose dusk, when we decide to tourture ourselves with negative thinking, when we settle for less, when we believe there is no meaning and nothing more...
i wont be a victim of a spiritual criminal that is trying to steal my heart, because my heart its going to be behind a breastplate of righteousness [a cover over my life source(heart) through being in-right-relationship(righteousness) with God]
Amen. Goonight.
i was driving home from my sisters house in Salisbury on sunday afternoon and after having an incredible time there and chatting to adrienne on the way home (who, i add, was on a spiritual role, spilling out the most truthful teaching iv heard in ages, upon breaking down lies we let build up- [ask her about it cos she'll tell you better than me]) it dawned on me ---ironically as it was dusk-- that this time in the day was reflecting not just my mood but my stance nowdays in life....
i am not letting God's truth penetrate my action to fully heal me yet neither am i roaming so far into the darkness that i am lost for good.... so this puts me in a kind of irritating place where i cant find my way easily...i see the lights brightly (hear the truth clearly) but i am also very aware that there is this looming darkness, although i see how flawed and pathetic it is at holding me down, it irritated me enough to distraction, stealing my joy from my days and causing me to waste away...
its very important not to waste days....if you were a new born baby, every day would be a triumph as you survive against the odds, if you were dying, every day would be treasured in the the face of last opportunities, thus my point is that the longer we meander and put off our relationship with Jesus, the longer we dwell in dusk. my side point is.. that as annoying as the it is to feel lost, dusk is still beautiful, and this just shows how good God is, that He'd rather we had the gift of life and ignore Him than not have the chance to experience life at all. of course He wants to know us and wants to show us the how fully incredible the sun is when it rises..and so much more, but if we choose to carry on not trusting in His word and not living in his Light, then we'll never know the extent of beauty to which He was literally dying to tell us about...
yeah but how do i put this into practice?... well i believe it starts as a choice in the heart, a choice as to whether i can believe that there is a greater light by which to see the beauty of the world in, than that which is offered to me by the dusk, then i think it moves into a command upon my thoughts. using the spirtial amour mentioned in Ephesians to fight the 'pre-assigned' systems which i have just taken up idly, instead of actually defining a self for my self.
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
one of my best friends was talking about this the other day in his blog, which i haste to add, is awesome, so go read it and seriously enjoy
http://sibarbs.wordpress.com/
but he was saying
Don’t be bored. Do the things you love.
Don’t do what society tells you to do. Do what you want to do. Do what you’re great at. Do what makes you feel free....Be who YOU want to be. Only you can make that change. Do not be who you are told you are. Do not be who you are told you should be. Be who YOU want to be..
i dont really have anything much to add to that except i want to make a stand aginst being robbed... now im not taking about a criminal robbing your purse, that only happens to a few of us on a bad occasion ... im talking about being robbed of the joy that is ours that is getting stolen as we choose dusk, when we decide to tourture ourselves with negative thinking, when we settle for less, when we believe there is no meaning and nothing more...
i wont be a victim of a spiritual criminal that is trying to steal my heart, because my heart its going to be behind a breastplate of righteousness [a cover over my life source(heart) through being in-right-relationship(righteousness) with God]
Amen. Goonight.
Friday, 6 August 2010
long time no see..
hey, its been a while since i last posted. i took to writing in my real tangible journal for a while... sometimes you just cant air some things your heart wants to get out, not to everyone anyway...oo i feel that sounds very dark and mysterious, ha! like im some tortured soul..well not really, i just have a heart that wont heal. im ok really.
i think im doing well lately, im learning more about Jesus and His love for me... which i find difficult to understand but incredibly evident, with what i have seen him do on the cross for me...wow.. the trouble is, its all very well knowing the truth, but walking in it seems so much harder...i am falling in love with Jesus all over again too. His goodness is so infallible and the peace i feel when i follow him is worth my whole life and there is nothing better that i can find on this earth... but i still have my human condition.. like why do i always end up doing the things i dont want to do? or doing things regardless to knowing that they arent good for me..?. hmmm its frustrating... also why do memories burn in my mind and seem to come back to me all of their own accord?? they try and tell me that my best days are behind me...and that love wont come again full and fresh like spring, but i know the lies,, i dont want to feel like that.
in the cold light of day i can reason with myself, but other times, the looping begins and i feel pretty attacked.. hmmm its not good... so wheres Jesus in this? well for a start Jesus never caused me the pain, in fact He never has or will, but his arms are open to let me to turn to Him and get better, instead of away from him to get bitter... lifes not perfect.. its beautiful in blasts like sunlight breaking through clouds, but its not always bright, sometimes there is wilderness. there is and will always be pain, but its my choice how i deal with that emotion.
when i play music, when i sing i feel the heavens grooving too and that make me enjoy the beats, rhythm and harmonies so much more... my troubles literally dissolve...sometimes i pour them into my songs and they get vocalised in the nuances of my voice. today adrienne and i were practicing and i was singing 'the first time ever i saw your face' a new cover we are about to play tomorrow....adrienne was playing guitar and i just emptied my heart into it... if hurt so bad but released the pain that i had been storing up... thats where i see Jesus in all of this... He gave me my voice to sing freedom for my heart and He listens to my pain. i feel God smile on me when i sing and so i sing because of Him and for him. its kind of like this quote by C. S. Lewis
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
by God giving me my voice to release me and for me to pray to Him, i am able to be my healing.
i think im doing well lately, im learning more about Jesus and His love for me... which i find difficult to understand but incredibly evident, with what i have seen him do on the cross for me...wow.. the trouble is, its all very well knowing the truth, but walking in it seems so much harder...i am falling in love with Jesus all over again too. His goodness is so infallible and the peace i feel when i follow him is worth my whole life and there is nothing better that i can find on this earth... but i still have my human condition.. like why do i always end up doing the things i dont want to do? or doing things regardless to knowing that they arent good for me..?. hmmm its frustrating... also why do memories burn in my mind and seem to come back to me all of their own accord?? they try and tell me that my best days are behind me...and that love wont come again full and fresh like spring, but i know the lies,, i dont want to feel like that.
in the cold light of day i can reason with myself, but other times, the looping begins and i feel pretty attacked.. hmmm its not good... so wheres Jesus in this? well for a start Jesus never caused me the pain, in fact He never has or will, but his arms are open to let me to turn to Him and get better, instead of away from him to get bitter... lifes not perfect.. its beautiful in blasts like sunlight breaking through clouds, but its not always bright, sometimes there is wilderness. there is and will always be pain, but its my choice how i deal with that emotion.
when i play music, when i sing i feel the heavens grooving too and that make me enjoy the beats, rhythm and harmonies so much more... my troubles literally dissolve...sometimes i pour them into my songs and they get vocalised in the nuances of my voice. today adrienne and i were practicing and i was singing 'the first time ever i saw your face' a new cover we are about to play tomorrow....adrienne was playing guitar and i just emptied my heart into it... if hurt so bad but released the pain that i had been storing up... thats where i see Jesus in all of this... He gave me my voice to sing freedom for my heart and He listens to my pain. i feel God smile on me when i sing and so i sing because of Him and for him. its kind of like this quote by C. S. Lewis
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
by God giving me my voice to release me and for me to pray to Him, i am able to be my healing.
Monday, 12 July 2010
Thursday, 8 July 2010
In echo to a voice that whispers to the wind
In echo to a voice that whispers to the wind, but should shout at the sun because his writing rocks some...
The Lord governs the run,
He looks after the strays
Of these, i am one,
Time is cruel within constraints.
Bucking the rules only leaves bruises,
we fight in the face of feeling faint,
I guess it's better than the excuses.
Where is our victory march?
At such things i find a laugh.
When the surroundings are dark,
we walk out despite lack of path.
There is no complete book,
no map to take a look.
It is really only the ride,
collecting a smile's tide,
harvesting of the lost,
love given at no cost.
Is this what i would drop
or grip throughout a frost?
I am not pure.
I am not sure,
i have already lost my grip,
felt my fingers slip.
I am aware i am so sick,
in need of a perfect fix.
The number 5 comes into my life,
written under my very eyes,
i will keep up the search,
meanwhile I'll wade the dirt.
It could mean my history
or describe a tender scene,
Maybe I'll never know,
life is moving, i must let go.
The Lord governs the run,
He looks after the strays
Of these, i am one,
Time is cruel within constraints.
Bucking the rules only leaves bruises,
we fight in the face of feeling faint,
I guess it's better than the excuses.
Where is our victory march?
At such things i find a laugh.
When the surroundings are dark,
we walk out despite lack of path.
There is no complete book,
no map to take a look.
It is really only the ride,
collecting a smile's tide,
harvesting of the lost,
love given at no cost.
Is this what i would drop
or grip throughout a frost?
I am not pure.
I am not sure,
i have already lost my grip,
felt my fingers slip.
I am aware i am so sick,
in need of a perfect fix.
The number 5 comes into my life,
written under my very eyes,
i will keep up the search,
meanwhile I'll wade the dirt.
It could mean my history
or describe a tender scene,
Maybe I'll never know,
life is moving, i must let go.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Lead me to the forest
Lead me to the forest and let me stay there a while.
I want to listen carefully to the stream,
for the moments of melody to run through my skin.
Rhythm within me sync to the beat,
i do not want the worries of tomorrow to weight in.
Sky, stir my mind.
Trees, be proud for me,
I cannot let you in.
Have you seen her walking on ice right in the middle of spring?
It wont break up beneath her feet,
her footsteps are silence and perfect.
The stag raises his head,
pauses,
takes a few seconds to watch for danger,
then resumes his posture,
preoccupied and carefree.
I'll pull a strand from anything, turn it into a sting and swallow it in.
Foolish am i if i stay up all night to listen to the frightening sounds.
which is better, a promise or a guarantee?
Im going to learn the names of the trees from now on
resight the words of birdsong,
hold tight to the book breathed with life,
plant a garden,
visit my neighbour,
lend a shoulder,
draw on some paper,
paint on some canvas,
watch for dawn,
stay for dusk.
I want to listen carefully to the stream,
for the moments of melody to run through my skin.
Rhythm within me sync to the beat,
i do not want the worries of tomorrow to weight in.
Sky, stir my mind.
Trees, be proud for me,
I cannot let you in.
Have you seen her walking on ice right in the middle of spring?
It wont break up beneath her feet,
her footsteps are silence and perfect.
The stag raises his head,
pauses,
takes a few seconds to watch for danger,
then resumes his posture,
preoccupied and carefree.
I'll pull a strand from anything, turn it into a sting and swallow it in.
Foolish am i if i stay up all night to listen to the frightening sounds.
which is better, a promise or a guarantee?
Im going to learn the names of the trees from now on
resight the words of birdsong,
hold tight to the book breathed with life,
plant a garden,
visit my neighbour,
lend a shoulder,
draw on some paper,
paint on some canvas,
watch for dawn,
stay for dusk.
Monday, 5 July 2010
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Story
He was like an beautiful indulgent phase in her life. A period of sweet ecstasy that one day, just ended. Their love appeared like morning dew, silent and gentle. Her eyes were burnt with liquid crystal, the bliss of where he once had kissed had stained her skin as it mixed with her tears.
Her heart was warmed all through the winter simply because of the secrets that he had told her, but now they proved to be lies and so despite the warm seasons entrance, his distance left her cold. To her hearts fuse, he was the lighter, She let him in and he stayed there.
There was no warning when he left but the trees sensed it. They were already growing their buds beneath the bark as they knew that when her dreams free-fell into nothing, she would need the embrace of spring to pull her from her sadness. It was kind but not enough. The night-time was the hardest. Where kind conversation used to entwine her thoughts, they now rattled around the cages that replaced all the stiff answers to the questions in her head, each one resounding 'you were not good enough'...
She listened to the breeze and as it brought spring closer, like clouds caught in a current pathetically resisting it's force, the immanent news spelt out he did not love her anymore. He'd found another...
She wanted to spend every night crying, occasionally she would break down when she breathed in too hard, but there was a strength inside that could only be the Lord. She tried to stable her mind, convinced her heart, take each day and push through each night, but summer ran in and laid everything bare. Time had past but the wound was still there bleeding, stubborn and ugly.
She longed to taste the delicious love that use to rain down on her, soaking her skin and tingling her soul. But it had left. She had stores of gentle touches that never left her finger tips and so they backed right up to her heart, to frequently remind her that she was alone. She was rendered useless, she was made to love him but he was no longer was hers to love.
More days would struggle past, occasionally a moment would come by when she felt a little stronger but the spike of memory would intrude cruely. It would re-open the scar that was attempting to heal by calling itself into time. Shouting carelessly in her mind that all it was, was a memory. She missed every beat of his heart and it broke hers that she would never lie upon his chest again and listen to the steady sound of his life. Heaven was in celebration at his existence. This man was an angel but he did not know it, he had the power to influence a nation because his colours were so unique. He was a soldier for God but she does not know him anymore, she cannot predict the paths he'll walk, for he walks for himself now and cares for new agendas. She misses the one who everyday taught her about the Son, He seems to have gone. She thought he was the one.
Her heart was warmed all through the winter simply because of the secrets that he had told her, but now they proved to be lies and so despite the warm seasons entrance, his distance left her cold. To her hearts fuse, he was the lighter, She let him in and he stayed there.
There was no warning when he left but the trees sensed it. They were already growing their buds beneath the bark as they knew that when her dreams free-fell into nothing, she would need the embrace of spring to pull her from her sadness. It was kind but not enough. The night-time was the hardest. Where kind conversation used to entwine her thoughts, they now rattled around the cages that replaced all the stiff answers to the questions in her head, each one resounding 'you were not good enough'...
She listened to the breeze and as it brought spring closer, like clouds caught in a current pathetically resisting it's force, the immanent news spelt out he did not love her anymore. He'd found another...
She wanted to spend every night crying, occasionally she would break down when she breathed in too hard, but there was a strength inside that could only be the Lord. She tried to stable her mind, convinced her heart, take each day and push through each night, but summer ran in and laid everything bare. Time had past but the wound was still there bleeding, stubborn and ugly.
She longed to taste the delicious love that use to rain down on her, soaking her skin and tingling her soul. But it had left. She had stores of gentle touches that never left her finger tips and so they backed right up to her heart, to frequently remind her that she was alone. She was rendered useless, she was made to love him but he was no longer was hers to love.
More days would struggle past, occasionally a moment would come by when she felt a little stronger but the spike of memory would intrude cruely. It would re-open the scar that was attempting to heal by calling itself into time. Shouting carelessly in her mind that all it was, was a memory. She missed every beat of his heart and it broke hers that she would never lie upon his chest again and listen to the steady sound of his life. Heaven was in celebration at his existence. This man was an angel but he did not know it, he had the power to influence a nation because his colours were so unique. He was a soldier for God but she does not know him anymore, she cannot predict the paths he'll walk, for he walks for himself now and cares for new agendas. She misses the one who everyday taught her about the Son, He seems to have gone. She thought he was the one.
23mins to go..
ok so iv got 23 mins for me to write, edit and send this before the battery runs out on my mac, ... lets see if i can manage it...
ive just come back from an unplanned night in Winchester with my sisters. we were all having a lovely meal with our fantastic folks; in which we ate a lot of Mexican food, drank homemade pina coladas, dad attacked a wasps nest and we all danced around the kitchen to Paolo Nutini,. brilliant times... but alas we trotted into town...
for once i wasnt wearing a 40's dress but i tried my best to push past all that. it is humbling not to soley rely on a bright dress to try and dazzle my conversation-ees, instead i just had a great time and gave my attention to friends, old ones and new. i think these thoughts go back to the blog i wrote about wearing make up. in not trying to be anything im not, im making no fake effort and accepting the way i am made. i think i do actually feel quite empowered by that. with nothing to rely on one is only left with their spirit and that can be as bright, and as attractive, as one wants it to be. you can chooses how bright your soul shines. notes to self... to shine a bright soul one must have a thankful heart, a loving interest in others and a humble pride.
tonight was Winchesters 'hat fair' which was awesome, it was so great to see so many people out and thats how life should be. we strive for community spirit, and festivals do bring people together. thats when we have most fun, own communities are dying and we long to find new ones. around music new communities arise where people can come and relate and join together.
festivals/music is a beautiful thing. it adds to my reasons for wanting to pursue music..you can try and help people by unifying them in problems or heartache... when someone scores out their heart, other realise we all go through the same pain or joy in life. when we feel unified it helps us love each other more... we can realise we're all brother and sisters..which is nice.
so this is a re-edit.. i ran out of time last night to finish this blog with any coherence, it was amusing reading back on it. i actually fell asleep half way through writing it last night! haha! i seriously can fall asleep anywhere.. i like to make a home on any ground my foot treds and a bed anywhere my head lays :)
so anyway on the topic of festivals, so far my band DAVIS will be playing Guilfest and NRGfest and possibly the Lamar Tree festivals too, im really excited about playing them. DAVIS have some really exciting things coming up soon and its a very happy time at the moment... if you fancy checking out my band we've got a myspace and webpage;
www.myspace.com/davismusicuk
www.davis-band.com
ive just come back from an unplanned night in Winchester with my sisters. we were all having a lovely meal with our fantastic folks; in which we ate a lot of Mexican food, drank homemade pina coladas, dad attacked a wasps nest and we all danced around the kitchen to Paolo Nutini,. brilliant times... but alas we trotted into town...
for once i wasnt wearing a 40's dress but i tried my best to push past all that. it is humbling not to soley rely on a bright dress to try and dazzle my conversation-ees, instead i just had a great time and gave my attention to friends, old ones and new. i think these thoughts go back to the blog i wrote about wearing make up. in not trying to be anything im not, im making no fake effort and accepting the way i am made. i think i do actually feel quite empowered by that. with nothing to rely on one is only left with their spirit and that can be as bright, and as attractive, as one wants it to be. you can chooses how bright your soul shines. notes to self... to shine a bright soul one must have a thankful heart, a loving interest in others and a humble pride.
tonight was Winchesters 'hat fair' which was awesome, it was so great to see so many people out and thats how life should be. we strive for community spirit, and festivals do bring people together. thats when we have most fun, own communities are dying and we long to find new ones. around music new communities arise where people can come and relate and join together.
festivals/music is a beautiful thing. it adds to my reasons for wanting to pursue music..you can try and help people by unifying them in problems or heartache... when someone scores out their heart, other realise we all go through the same pain or joy in life. when we feel unified it helps us love each other more... we can realise we're all brother and sisters..which is nice.
so this is a re-edit.. i ran out of time last night to finish this blog with any coherence, it was amusing reading back on it. i actually fell asleep half way through writing it last night! haha! i seriously can fall asleep anywhere.. i like to make a home on any ground my foot treds and a bed anywhere my head lays :)
so anyway on the topic of festivals, so far my band DAVIS will be playing Guilfest and NRGfest and possibly the Lamar Tree festivals too, im really excited about playing them. DAVIS have some really exciting things coming up soon and its a very happy time at the moment... if you fancy checking out my band we've got a myspace and webpage;
www.myspace.com/davismusicuk
www.davis-band.com
Friday, 2 July 2010
i like how this is becoming a regular thing
its late again, i have tea, no surprise there, and i feel ready to empty out my head again..i like how this is becoming a regular thing...
my thoughts get so loud at night and they all seem to sing poetry... i like that too. now that i am not regularly painting this blog is fast becoming one of my main creative outlets, so i do feel it is helping me go through some emotions lately. where would i be if i couldn't wear my heart on my sleeve? that is art for me. in it's creations i find my therapy.
i was thinking upon pain today, well quite a lot actually. it occurred to me that the danger of emotional pain is it's initial knee jerk fix. the human is very adapt at taking traumatic feelings and subsiding them in the face of change. as the situation transforms our lives preoccupy ourselves with coping, and sorting out this new environments, that leaves us with feelings that get pushed aside...those emotions are made of rubber too, they come right back. the catch is they come back when our guard has dropped and we think we've recovered from the trauma....thats how they find their foothold and set out for the toppling head shot. not me though, i wont allow it. im learning to trust more.
my thoughts get so loud at night and they all seem to sing poetry... i like that too. now that i am not regularly painting this blog is fast becoming one of my main creative outlets, so i do feel it is helping me go through some emotions lately. where would i be if i couldn't wear my heart on my sleeve? that is art for me. in it's creations i find my therapy.
i was thinking upon pain today, well quite a lot actually. it occurred to me that the danger of emotional pain is it's initial knee jerk fix. the human is very adapt at taking traumatic feelings and subsiding them in the face of change. as the situation transforms our lives preoccupy ourselves with coping, and sorting out this new environments, that leaves us with feelings that get pushed aside...those emotions are made of rubber too, they come right back. the catch is they come back when our guard has dropped and we think we've recovered from the trauma....thats how they find their foothold and set out for the toppling head shot. not me though, i wont allow it. im learning to trust more.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Jamming with Adrienne
Adrienne is great, tonight i spent the evening jamming and writing new songs with her. its a whole lot of fun. im pretty chuffed shes my sister, we can make music when ever we want and its just great having someone who gets my vibe so easily.. ten points Ads!!Had band practice last night too... fantastic..i love music...
Tear down the house by The Avett Brothers
Tear down the house
That I grew up in
I'll never be the same again
Take everything that I’ve collected
And throw it in a pile
Bulldoze the woods
That I ran through
Carry the pictures of me and you
I have no memory of who I once was
And I don't remember your name
Park the old car
That I love the best
(The) inspections due and it won’t pass the test
It’s funny how I have to put it to rest
And how one day…I will join it
I remember crying over you
And I don't mean like a couple of tears
And then I'm blue
I’m talkin’ about collapsing
And screaming at the moon
But I'm a better man
For having gone through it
Yes, I'm a better man
For having gone through…
Ever since I learned how to curse
I’ve been using those sorry old words
But, I’m talkin’ to these children
And I’m keeping it clean
I don’t need those words
To say what I mean
No, I don’t need those words
To say what I mean
Tear down the house
That I grew up in
I'll never be the same again
Take everything that I used to own
And burn it in a pile
And, bulldoze the woods
That I ran through
Carry the pictures of me and you
I have no memory of who I once was
And I don't remember your name
That I grew up in
I'll never be the same again
Take everything that I’ve collected
And throw it in a pile
Bulldoze the woods
That I ran through
Carry the pictures of me and you
I have no memory of who I once was
And I don't remember your name
Park the old car
That I love the best
(The) inspections due and it won’t pass the test
It’s funny how I have to put it to rest
And how one day…I will join it
I remember crying over you
And I don't mean like a couple of tears
And then I'm blue
I’m talkin’ about collapsing
And screaming at the moon
But I'm a better man
For having gone through it
Yes, I'm a better man
For having gone through…
Ever since I learned how to curse
I’ve been using those sorry old words
But, I’m talkin’ to these children
And I’m keeping it clean
I don’t need those words
To say what I mean
No, I don’t need those words
To say what I mean
Tear down the house
That I grew up in
I'll never be the same again
Take everything that I used to own
And burn it in a pile
And, bulldoze the woods
That I ran through
Carry the pictures of me and you
I have no memory of who I once was
And I don't remember your name
"wearing make-up is like lying all the time"
i get anxious that my words on this blog will be set in stone, people might read them and think certain things about me.. but at the end of day i am just a simple human really... very faulted and its ok to show that side of me right, it would be a lie to show anything else surely.
tonight at a bar with friends we discussed girls wearing make-up. their point was that wearing make-up is like lying all the time. i felt it strange that i always wear make-up and im ok with people only knowing only that side to me.. but i guess the temptation of easily making myself better for the culture i live in is just too luring... everyone wants to be their best right?!
i do think people should just decide what they want to be and be it. not feel swayed by others. people are most beautiful, in my opinion when they shine their individual soul. we're all so different, there is so much variety, surely its best if we dont all do the same thing...then the diversity can teach us so much more..
still i dont even know if i can take my own advice... i wanna be loved like the next person, and sadly i feel that a large factor in my lovability is in my appearance..will i ever escape that... i dont know...maybe one day a man might look upon my natural face and call me beautiful, but alas, it is likely that if ever i was lucky enough to be in that situation, i wouldnt believe him anyway..society really mucks us up huh, or maybe i should be stronger, but it would be nice anyway. its peoples soul isnt it, that what matters in the end right...
i think that is what is important overall.. without being unrealistic, it is that what matters...i did this painting in a while ago but maybe is expresses just a little bit of how i feel..
its a shame because i do see the exquisite beauty in everyone around me and i can appreciate everyone im around, but when it comes to myself there isnt much room at all...perhaps i need to work on that..
tonight at a bar with friends we discussed girls wearing make-up. their point was that wearing make-up is like lying all the time. i felt it strange that i always wear make-up and im ok with people only knowing only that side to me.. but i guess the temptation of easily making myself better for the culture i live in is just too luring... everyone wants to be their best right?!
i do think people should just decide what they want to be and be it. not feel swayed by others. people are most beautiful, in my opinion when they shine their individual soul. we're all so different, there is so much variety, surely its best if we dont all do the same thing...then the diversity can teach us so much more..
still i dont even know if i can take my own advice... i wanna be loved like the next person, and sadly i feel that a large factor in my lovability is in my appearance..will i ever escape that... i dont know...maybe one day a man might look upon my natural face and call me beautiful, but alas, it is likely that if ever i was lucky enough to be in that situation, i wouldnt believe him anyway..society really mucks us up huh, or maybe i should be stronger, but it would be nice anyway. its peoples soul isnt it, that what matters in the end right...
Johnny cash once said he was grateful that God didnt make him ugly, and he made a point of saying not physically ugly, what he meant was that he was thankful that he was not ugly in spirit...
i think that is what is important overall.. without being unrealistic, it is that what matters...i did this painting in a while ago but maybe is expresses just a little bit of how i feel..
its a shame because i do see the exquisite beauty in everyone around me and i can appreciate everyone im around, but when it comes to myself there isnt much room at all...perhaps i need to work on that..
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