hey, its been a while since i last posted. i took to writing in my real tangible journal for a while... sometimes you just cant air some things your heart wants to get out, not to everyone anyway...oo i feel that sounds very dark and mysterious, ha! like im some tortured soul..well not really, i just have a heart that wont heal. im ok really.
i think im doing well lately, im learning more about Jesus and His love for me... which i find difficult to understand but incredibly evident, with what i have seen him do on the cross for me...wow.. the trouble is, its all very well knowing the truth, but walking in it seems so much harder...i am falling in love with Jesus all over again too. His goodness is so infallible and the peace i feel when i follow him is worth my whole life and there is nothing better that i can find on this earth... but i still have my human condition.. like why do i always end up doing the things i dont want to do? or doing things regardless to knowing that they arent good for me..?. hmmm its frustrating... also why do memories burn in my mind and seem to come back to me all of their own accord?? they try and tell me that my best days are behind me...and that love wont come again full and fresh like spring, but i know the lies,, i dont want to feel like that.
in the cold light of day i can reason with myself, but other times, the looping begins and i feel pretty attacked.. hmmm its not good... so wheres Jesus in this? well for a start Jesus never caused me the pain, in fact He never has or will, but his arms are open to let me to turn to Him and get better, instead of away from him to get bitter... lifes not perfect.. its beautiful in blasts like sunlight breaking through clouds, but its not always bright, sometimes there is wilderness. there is and will always be pain, but its my choice how i deal with that emotion.
when i play music, when i sing i feel the heavens grooving too and that make me enjoy the beats, rhythm and harmonies so much more... my troubles literally dissolve...sometimes i pour them into my songs and they get vocalised in the nuances of my voice. today adrienne and i were practicing and i was singing 'the first time ever i saw your face' a new cover we are about to play tomorrow....adrienne was playing guitar and i just emptied my heart into it... if hurt so bad but released the pain that i had been storing up... thats where i see Jesus in all of this... He gave me my voice to sing freedom for my heart and He listens to my pain. i feel God smile on me when i sing and so i sing because of Him and for him. its kind of like this quote by C. S. Lewis
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
by God giving me my voice to release me and for me to pray to Him, i am able to be my healing.
